I wrote about this couple of times in the past but Tim just reminded me with his amaizing and powerful post that some topics are worth being repetitive on.
I, too, have a history of feeling suicidal. I wanted to say „sadly“ or something like that but actually am not much ashamed of it, I couldn’t prevent it and it’s not a thing to blame yourself about. It’s just something that happens to you and if you are lucky, you realize in time the things Tim realized, that I realized and surely many other people, who survived their suicidal thoughts, realized too.
And he’s completely right, it doesn’t matter what brings you to the situation – you are never alone, you are never the first or the last person to get to the situation, and there is few places to turn to, to ask for help or at least an opinion of another person, whether it’s friends, family, or preferably complete stranger on a phone or in a coffee shop. The world will always send you clues if you just open your eyes and heart and accept its help.
Many movies and stories seem to be suggesting that you should talk to the closest ones, but the reality, as you know, is that they are usually the last people you want to talk to. You know (or are convinced anyway) that they will not understand all that happened. They will probably try to say whatever nice thing without even seing your point just to make you feel better and that doesn’t work at the situation, it just makes it worst and your feeling of not being understood or listened to gets deeper.
But that it’s ok, they don’t have to understand and know what exactly happened. The point is to find someone who values you enough to just listen and offer a hand, and it might be anyone. You don’t have to talk to your family, although I think for me it was the best thing to at least try to talk to my mum. She couldn’t obviously understand all the crazy shit that was going on in me, noone could, but she was very supportive and offered to accompany me to a doctor tommorow so that I can ask for a contact to see a shrink to talk about it. I never did, in the end, but just to have the contact in my hand helped me to realize that there is someone to turn to, there are options and I don’t have to get through it by myself. I can’t. And it’s alright not to be a superman but just a human who struggles.
Also one big good thing that I did was to call my friend and to ask her to stay with me overnight, just in case. I apologized that I’ll probably cry the whole time and I quite did but hey, that’s what friends are for – I mean, not to cry around you 😀 But to be there and keep an eye on you if you are down.
For me, the reasons to fall into suicidal mode were few, I’ve had my crises, up and downs and then even deeper downs and one day it was just too down for me to get over it with some chocolate or a bit of crying. Such depressions and their depth can vary but it’s just a temporary condidion that can be treated, it’s just a period of time when you feel completely done and finished and you can’t see a way out. But there is always one, or two, or more. You just can’t give up searching, whether it’s because you realize you have people around you whose lives would be badly damaged by your sudden death, or because there is something in you that is angry with the world for putting you through this and you want to kick its ass and get back on your feet, if only to prove it that you won’t take the shit and you’ll have your comeback in a normal life.
Also it’s perfectly fine to not even try to find a way or solution at that moment. Just focus on your breath and make it ‚till the next day, for you and for everybody who loves you. That’s all you have to do – just breathe, be present, and hold up.
I’ve had problems since I was a kid, sort of. Never fitted in, always an outsider, being laughed at, stupid for not getting jokes, the weird kid who just doesn’t get it. I wasn’t stupid, don’t get me wrong, I had great grades until like second grade on the high school, but I wasn’t really able to see the world for what it was. My mind was incredibly clouded by the lovely book or tv stories I grew up on, the educational system full of crap that never mattered, the crystal globe I was living in had to break badly before I could actually look around and realize what’s going on and how things work. It took years and years of minor and bigger falls but eventually, puberty, hormones, shitty relationships, bad health, complexes, no self-esteem, problems at high school (whether for bad grades and even failing classes or again, for plain not fitting in and being laughed at), more shitty relationships, some important friendships broken, misunderstandings, changes of taste, things going on in family, and yet another big heartbreak caused me to find myself in the middle of night, laying on the floor, sobbing and shaking, not being able to breathe, let alone sleeping. But my friend helped me with that particular piece more that she will ever know.
Of course, many times, especially through puberty, you get to a point when you think about suicide. But sometimes it just gets too real and you don’t really see how else to proceed. That’s the scariest time of your life, yes, but seriously, it doesn’t have to be the end and there is much more great shit and life ahead if you give it everything and just push once more with all the energy that’s left. It’s not just about sport, running and stuff, it’s true in life as well: If you think you can’t do whatever anymore, you can always do it at least five more times. There is always a back up energy source in you.
What helped me to get through that night, and the next worst day ever, and the next extremely hard weeks, and the next sucky months and some more years?
- I gave in. Truly gave myself to the universe. Gave it the control of my life. I couldn’t swim in the wild ocean anymore so I just laid on my back, let it carry me and I waited silently and hopefully for it to calm down. And eventually, it did.
- I scotomized. This wasn’t intentional, it was just my automatic self-preservating/coping mechanism (and still is), but it got me through the toughest times. This part I regret but it had to happen – it wasn’t even the first time, the same thing happened to me through high school. I didn’t pay attention to anything, didn’t notice anything, frankly I don’t remember much of those times and again, it cost me some friendships, some more hurt feelings, but eventually, I was able to feel the little pride in me for being able to go on. Just that was the little push that I needed. Just that helped me to believe that I can do it, that even broken, I still have the power to turn it around.
- I dyed my hair and redecorated my room. The later came actually before the fall, but it helped anyway, big time. Also hair – it is one of my coping mechanisms, as well, to change the colour. It tricks my mind into thinking I’m having a fresh start, it supports the thought and feeling of it anyway. Haircut, different clothes, decluttering, redecorating, helping someone else with their renovation, whatever works for you. Also for the physical movement thing. The endorphines do actually work, the excersice does make you feel better about yourself. You know it, so do what works.
- I accepted help. That one time, one day after my painful break up, a friend of a friend found me online and demanded we meet. I only saw him once before but somehow he heard about my situation and he wanted to help. Quite funily, we only met for that day and never again, but he was one of the most important people I ever met and those hours of just talking got me through the worst. Coming from a complete stranger who was by some lucky coincidence a buddhist and simply a very warm and comforting person to talk to. He also didn’t care if I cry, that was absolutely fine with him. He just came to be there bto be there for me and to offer support, even though he didnt know me much. That was by the way one of the most magical things that ever happened to me.
- I learned to meditate. Which was a simple consequence of giving in, following the universe’s lead and accepting every chance that was around me to make the world work for me again. I was lead to a free meditation class and that tought me to work with my mind in ways I could never before imagine. Just a brief insight in this, and a snowball started to roll. I discovered the importance of minimalism for me, the intentionality, the meaningfulness of things. And therefore:
- I discovered who I really am, what excites me and what I don’t want to and cannot do. I was suddenly able to point a finger to my biggest fears and to the things that brought me to that destructive point – my longing for things that were long gone, my holding on to them and to my past me’s – I had to realize I’ve changed, or maybe even better said, I was never who I thought I was. I tried to put myself in some shoes to please others, to be accepted, to get my family to be proud of me, to achieve goals that they seemed to want me to achieve. But they maybe never did, they just wanted me to be happy. Ever parent wants their child to be succesful, but no parent wants to see you be broken by something that you hate to do, something that is against your inner callings. It is so fucking important to allow yourself to discover who you really are and what you want. I can’t stress it enough. Everything that has the power to bring you to the point of self destruction, it’s just not worth it. Don’t you fucking do it! And that’s what I told myself.
- and I quit doing whatever was destructive and wrong for me. I gave up my trying to be someone I’m not and I decided not to let the bad stuff take my energy anymore.
Because – Fuck it! (the link leads to another saviour of mine, an amaizing book that opened my eyes so much, I can’t even tell you. You have to read it if you struggle with anything.) Don’t let it torture you. Not for another minute, day or year, because you need to take a good care of yourself. Life is not meant to be torture, for anyone. It’s not that long and yes, there are few unpleasant things that go along with it. But really they should not be that unpleasant. It doesn’t deserve your tears, it doesn’t deserve your health and it sure as hell doesn’t deserve your life.
And it’s never too late to ask for help and to get it. It doesn’t matter where in your life you are and how deep in the shit, we live in this crazy but very useful time of internet, and if you take a good look, there are always people wishing to help, if just to talk. Seriously, I’m not kidding, if you are reading this right now and feel like talking to someone, I’m right here at firstname.lastname@example.org, bring it on and tell me what’s eating you alive. I don’t have a degree or anything, I’m just a human like you and as you just learned, I had my problems and I got out of the worst, living a good life I’m crazy happy about and thankful for. Sure it’s not without problems, but they are nothing compared to what was the deal back then, so I can tell you from my experience, world gets better if you stay strong (or if you just keep going on, waiting for the strenght to come back to you – and it will).
Ok, to bring this (I know, incredibly boring) endless stream to conclusion!
You are beautiful. You truly are. And yes, just like Tim said, you have much more to offer to the world no matter how much you think you suck (you don’t), and the world has much more to offer to you. People lost, regrets of past bad decisions, sure, you can’t take it back and some wounds will never completely heal, but what the heck, what happened happened, scars are sexy and they make you stronger for what’s coming next. They make you even more beautiful because you now know what can happen, you will be more careful next time and you will be able to finally appreciate the beauty in the world. That makes a difference, if nothing else. And maybe in time you will learn to see the good in the things that you never though you’ll see it in. Even in the pale memories of the darkest times. Maybe there were people that helped you, maybe you did at least something right. Maybe you learned something.
The pressure makes us stronger.
The struggle makes us hunger.
The hard lessons make the difference.
And the difference makes it worth it. (Fireflight’s For Those Who Wait – listen to it, it’s my fave song and one of the many little things that saved me)
You can do this. It can’t rain all the time and it won’t. Trust yourself and give yourself another chance to shine again. You’ll be fine.
This is mainly a czech language oasis. See more english posts on this blog.